


Stay Gold

by Sappholez



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: A little fluffy though, A pinch of self-hatred and internalised homophobia, Angst, Courtesy of Beatrice's catholic upbringing, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Season/Series 01, Pre-Relationship, Sharing a Bed, a lot of pining, a lot of repressed feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:34:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26253466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sappholez/pseuds/Sappholez
Summary: Late at night there's a knock at Beatrice's door.ORThe one where Ava finally gets some rest while Beatrice lets herself feel. Just for tonight.
Relationships: Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva
Comments: 28
Kudos: 297





	Stay Gold

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies if the tense gets a little wonky, I have no concept of time and neither should you.  
> Hoping I got their voices right and the piece at least feels vaguely consistent on its own.  
> Inspired by my love for these two formed into whatever this is through me listening to Stay Gold by PVRIS on loop for a few hours.  
> Enjoy.

She woke with a start, years of training kicking in before her mind caught up with what was happening. Within what felt like a split second Beatrice stood facing the door, fingers wrapped around the hilt of a knife, ready to defend herself against whatever had made the sound that woke her.

Her heart beat wildly in her chest as several seconds of silence ticked by. She would almost believe she had imagined it.

“Beatrice? It’s me.” Came the hushed call from just outside her room, clearly trying to strike a balance of announcing herself without waking the occupants of the other rooms nearby. She would recognise that voice anywhere. Her feet carried her towards it without prompt.

“Ava.” The nun replied, opening the door to reveal the sleep-shirt-and-shorts-clad form of the Halo-bearer, a sheepish grin on her face. “Is everything alright?” It was an automatic inquiry, still alert, her gaze quickly scanning the hallway before returning to the woman in front of her.

“Oh, yeah.” She seemed a little confused for a moment. Then her eyes locked on the blade still in Beatrice’s hand, her mouth forming a small ‘o’ before she continued. “Shit, sorry. I should’ve realised—”

“Language.”

“—You might think…” Ava didn’t finish her sentence, her already unusually tempered demeanour seeming to shift even further from her energetic self. Beatrice recognised she must have thought of their current situation and the tension it had brought with it. The weight sat in the air between them.

“If it makes you feel any better, I usually sleep with means of protection nearby.” The nun made an attempt to lighten the burden. It earned her a smile and a laughter-like huff. _Not perfect. Good enough for now._

“You know? Surprisingly, it does.” The Halo-bearer replied, managing what Beatrice’s mind registered as a grateful smile. Still, something about the look in her eyes was off. She swung her arms back and forth slightly, the usual bounce onto her heels missing from the familiar motion. A beat.

“Would you like to come in?” The nun offered, catching up with the moment. Apparently a part of her brain had still been in the process of waking up. She stepped aside, making sure to leave more than enough space for the other to pass by her. _For her comfort_.

“Thanks.” Another smile passed between them as Ava entered, not quite using all the room granted to her to do so, heading farther into the room as Beatrice closed the door. “So, how many knives have you got stowed away in here, just in case?” She paused as the nun turned to face her. “Is that a thing I should be doing?”

“Not necessarily, no.” Beatrice allowed herself a smile as she approached her friend, who stood in the middle of her room, turned towards her, eyes briefly on the desk nearby. “Though it is recommended to always be prepared for an attack.” It was honest, though maybe not what Ava needed right now. She seemed to slump in on herself a little more.

“Right. Especially with… Especially now.” She concluded, staring at the floor in front of her instead of meeting Beatrice’s eyes. There was no continuation. No easy flow of conversation. No silly pun or joke to break the tension. Another beat.

“Ava.” The nun took a careful step towards her visitor, searching for eye contact that came only when she came within a metre of her. She wanted to help her, take the weight off of her for a moment. Ask her what was wrong, because something clearly was. The words got stuck in her throat, but it seemed Ava still heard them.

“I couldn’t sleep.” She spoke, breathless, her gaze shifting down again before she seemingly willed herself to look at Beatrice again. She swallowed. “Nightmare.” Suddenly she wasn’t the Halo-bearer. Just Ava. A young woman carrying a burden many had succumbed trying to shoulder. Not to mention the new weight that had been added on to it.

She looked so small, her fingers fidgeting where her hands clasped together in front of her.

As if pulled in by gravity, Beatrice closed the distance, just enough to put her free hand on Ava’s, tugging at them gently to reconnect their gazes. “Do you want to talk about it?” It was almost a whisper. Gentle. An echo of the other. She could see the hesitation in Ava’s eyes. Then a flash of pain right before she looked away again. A shake of her head.

They stood together in the centre of the room, connected, though Ava remained just out of reach, behind an invisible wall. It wasn’t her place to pry. Somehow the step to reach out was still too big. Beatrice was never hesitant, and yet.

Of course it would be Ava who broke through herself. Ever the champion of conquering walls.

“I didn’t want to be alone, so I…” She trails off after her brave start, but it was enough to set things in motion. Her grip on Beatrice’s hand tightened momentarily, as if she was scared she would go against her promise. Instead, the nun squeezed in return. _I’m here. I promise_. Like ripples on a surface of water, she moved, with Ava’s help.

She guided her towards the bed, setting her brandished weapon down on the way over, refusing to break their point of connection. Not now. Both hands wrapped around her companion’s, she sat, still facing Ava. An invitation gladly accepted. The Halo-bearer took her place next to her, attention on their hands as the nun allowed herself to brush her thumb over her skin. It was meant to soothe, despite the distant feeling of dread it caused to settle in her own stomach. _As long as it helps Ava. As long as she doesn’t find it invasive—_

The contact was broken and Beatrice felt her heart drop for the second the warmth was gone. Then those hands came to rest on her back, arms circling around her as Ava slid closer, hugging her. Another echo. Though Beatrice responded with only a small stutter this time, wrapping the other woman safely in her arms after a second of delay.

Warm. Ava was warm, always had been. It still took her by surprise each time, pushing her off-balance just a bit. She was good at doing that to Beatrice. A worrying thought.

She was warm and soft. The scent of citrus caught her nose, her shampoo Beatrice quickly identified. There was something else, but she couldn’t place it. It only registered as _Ava_. She liked it. Another worrying thought.

 _Lock it away_.

“Thanks, Bea.” The muffled words were spoken with a slight shudder, causing the nun to instinctively tighten her hold. She could feel Ava take a deep breath more than she heard it, despite the proximity of the other’s lips to her ear. Alarm struck like a bell ringing inside of her chest. Too close. Yet she didn’t let go. Ava exhaled, burying her face into Beatrice’s neck. Her breath sending goosebumps scattering across the nun’s skin. She felt the air catch in her throat, several seconds passing where all she heard was the thumping of her heartbeat, quick. Fear dropped heavy into her gut. Ava would hear it. But the moment passed, and the Halo-bearer didn’t adjust her position. Didn’t speak a word of it. She stayed where she was, safely in her Beatrice’s arms.

“Can I stay here tonight?” It was a plea, a veiled desperation leaking into her voice. Still there, Ava’s fear of being alone. It pushed against her own. Of being too close. Of letting herself want. She should’ve known that Ava would win out. Despite her thundering heart, she nodded. It was a betrayal of herself in more ways than one. She couldn’t acknowledge it in the moment. _No_. Ava needed her. An excuse.

“Of course.” She said despite herself. It was a surrender, one Beatrice had known, feared might happen. The lack of immediate regret only strengthened the vice grip around her heart when it came, later. As the internal struggle raged on inside of her, Ava simply squeezed her, sighing against her in relief. The calm that seemed to fall over her companion, as if shifting the pieces back into place, was unrelenting. It forced the conflict to the back of her mind. She was helping a friend. A friend who was slowly relaxing enough to release a quiet yawn.

It happened without thought. She shifted them, Ava following her without much guidance as she lied down, the Halo-bearer coming to wrap her legs around hers, despite the fabric of her nightdress getting in the way. It should have helped. She still felt it. Too close. As a shaky hand pulled the covers over them carefully, she felt the woman pressed into her chuckle, the vibration tickling the skin of her neck. “What?”

“Here I was thinking I’d have to buy you dinner first.” The comment caused heat to bloom across her face, something Ava luckily had no way of seeing, not with her head still tucked into Beatrice’s form. It was as if her heart stuttered, though she fortunately did not when she replied.

“I can still kick you out if you’d prefer.” She didn’t mean it, but that was part of the game the nun was using to distract herself from all this warmth, this _Ava_ around her. The other woman lifted her head with a gasp, arms tightening around her in contrast.

“Ouch, Bea, that’s cold!” There was mock hurt in her voice, but the grin on her face told the real story. Finally, she was in the presence of the real Ava again. _Very close presence_. It halted her response just a bit.

“Yeah, I’m a terrible friend.” It came out softer than she meant it to, and Ava, in all her… Avaness seemed to register it. Her head found its way back into the crook of Beatrice’s neck. She mentally braced herself for the response to her slip.

“Nah. You’re awesome.” A sigh accompanied the statement, the Halo-bearer’s body shimmying lightly to get perfectly comfortable. It shouldn’t have surprised her, but it did. Ava was also good at doing that to Beatrice.

The words still hung in the air when Ava stilled, taking almost no time at all to fall asleep. She had said them like it was easy. Unquestionable. A decisive strike against Beatrice’s inner turmoil, the hate that dragged at her, weighed her down, made her feel as if the earth would swallow her whole on the bad days. Yet, with every usual reason for it to be one, this didn’t feel like a bad day.

Ava’s weight on her was a reminder. The Halo-bearer had quickly relaxed in her embrace, unburdened by the panic threatening to seize the nun’s chest. There was a lightness about her, now, and other times when Beatrice hadn’t expected it. Despite there being a level of caution to how she interacted with the nun sometimes, Ava never showed any signs of carrying the unforgiving heaviness that she did. Despite what that heaviness may tell her sometimes, Ava’s caution seemed not for her own feelings but for Beatrice’s. Only lying in the dark with the woman pressed to her, vulnerable, open, untroubled, was she brave enough to think so.

Ava wasn’t afraid of her. Despite what she knew.

A small spark caught inside of her.

The dread countered.

Even if Ava wasn’t afraid, the things she thought at times, the things she _felt_ , it wasn’t right. It was wrong. A sin. The heavy presence always with her, paradoxically increasing in weight yet held back in Ava’s own presence. The clash had only caught her off guard a handful of times. _One is already too many_. No matter what, she could not break. Even if Ava wasn’t afraid. Even if sometimes she could see her affection reflected back in the Warrior Nun’s eyes. _I can’t_.

She almost jumped when the woman in question shifted in her sleep, mumbling something entirely incoherent into her neck before stilling again, save for the calm, slow breaths inflating and deflating her chest. Beatrice snuck as much of a glance at her face as she could manage, moving minimally. She didn’t want to wake her.

Ava looked peaceful. In a way she hadn’t seen her look in quite some time. The tension was something ever-present since the event at the Vatican. Everything Ava was still there, but she carried a burden with her, as if she took some of the darkness that had laid inside Adriel’s tomb for a thousand years with her. It was a constant, laying below the surface even when the Halo-bearer was cracking jokes with her friends, laughing heartily. Beatrice had seen her struggle to sleep, restless, waking several times during the night.

But this? This was Ava finally at rest. Just for now.

The realisation of it hit her hard, pushed against the darkness within Beatrice, as if the light present in Ava banished it, as it had done to the woman’s own. She felt the weight of it shift off of her chest, air filling her lungs in a way she had only felt in small, cherished moments over the long years. Warmth blooming, spreading through her body. She let it, grasped on to it.

 _Lord, forgive me_.

Just for tonight, she would let herself feel it. Ava’s presence, the quiet thrill of joy it brought with it, the spark it ignited within her. Her darkness banished, Beatrice wanted to cherish the light, at least for tonight. She didn’t want to see the warmth as a sin. Because Ava felt safe with her, here, now, in this moment.

She _wants_.

Things she cannot have, doesn’t dare express, even to herself. Thoughts she doesn’t allow herself to explore, for fear of where they will lead her.

But above all, she wants to keep Ava here. Safe. In this moment. Selfishly, she wishes she could keep her here forever. The sting of shame is dampened, just this once as she allows herself to embrace the light that is Ava.

Just for tonight.


End file.
